I Can't Help but Hate...

when high schoolers/middle schoolers use the word "relationship." Especially, when they put the words "serious" or "long-term" in front of it. It's awkwardly precocious, not to mention a little grody. It reminds me of when I was little and I didn't know the words "hair dresser" or "stylist," so I would say "beautician." What a disgusting little baby I was? Anyway, I mean, is getting felt up in the back of your parent's van really a "relationship?" When your crush holds your ankles in a keg stand, does that really mean "forever?" And when you spend 15 minutes using Clinique "straight out of the free gift, so the color is for the complexion of a Sri Lankan woman" concealer to camouflage the Buick-sized hickey on the jugular part of your throat (older men know where to put their hickeys) is that really just another way of saying "I love you?"

My roommates and I were watching that MTV show, Miss Seventeen, and this 16 year-old up-and-coming rocker tells one of the girls that he just got out of a long-term relationship. I wondered, "when did this relationship start?" When you were FIVE? Ha! Because you are not very old at all for a person.

And now, that I, the incredibly sage love wizard, has said my peace on this, I think it's time that I retire to my incredibly grown-up room to draw hearts and write "I Love Renaldo" (he's the cute janitor at work) all over my Fil-o-fax, while I wonder, "whose heart am I gonna have to break today? Whose?"