Dirty Old Prom Queen

In '98 I was the prom queen and in '06 I hang out with queens. I'm a private tutor during the day and a comedian at night in ol' NYC. I just can't seem to get out of high school...can someone call the custodian? Vesuvio, I'm locked in!

Monday, December 19, 2005


I keep having dreams where I still have my braces on. I have had at least three in the last month. This morning, I woke up searching for my rubber bands. The odd thing is that when I realize that they aren't actually still on my teeth, I feel a little bummed. Then, of course, I snap out of it and realize that braces really are a nightmare and that I would never want to wear them again. Remember those weird loopy thingies that you were supposed to use to floss? Remember when you color-coordinated your braces for the holidays? Remember the kids whose gums got really swollen? Remember kids with big gums regardless of orthodontia, who still have big gums?

I would also like to add that in addition to braces, I had to wear that palate-expander item, where it was glued to the roof of your mouth and you had to use a little key to crank it wider. Man, would I throw back the Children's chewable Tylenol tablets after one of those cranking sessions. "Yo I just got crunk ma! Gimme some o' dat Chizzy Tizzy!" --what I would say to my mother afterwards...and then off to ballet class.

The worst thing that I had to wear was this device to correct your overbite called the frankel. Please look at the picture below, but basically it had two thigh-sized cheek guards connected by an infinite labrynth of wires. It was like putting your teeth into that Cat's Cradle string game, except that they had to stay there for the entire day and the string was made out of cold hard steel. Speaking was also impossible while wearing the frankel: "Exshcushe me Mish, but I ashked for shalami and shaurkraut. I don't shee the shalami...what there ish?...oh I didn't shee it on there. Theeeere it ish. Hey there shalami!...thish ish a shenshational shamwich...thish ish delishoush...shooper I tell you! Shashahshshahsshhhhhhhhhhhh!" I took my fifth grade photo wearing this thing and it looked like I had the mumps.

What a death trap! Look at the cheek guards!

Luckily, no more orthodontia for this lady...except for the mouthguard that I wear to prevent toothgrinding. There's nothing sexier than waking up to a young, naked 25 yr-old woman wearing a full-on sports mouthguard. Grrrrr....


  • At 1:59 AM, Blogger k8 said…

    Hey Prom Queen,

    I LOVE this blog. Your running off the #1 bus story reminded me of a letter I found at my best friend's house at the end of high school that I wrote her in middle school when I heard this pretty cool guy liked me. I wrote about him flirting with me, and ended with this integrity-steeped declaration: "...but I don't think I am going to flirt back. I don't want to be that kind of girl."

    Yeah. Kate wrote that. Me. Age eleven. Needless to say, things change.

    Can we please get the Prom Queen story at some point?

  • At 8:55 AM, Blogger east side girl said…

    There was a girl in my 5th grade class who had a t-shirt that said "I'm fond of my frankel."

    Funny post!


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