Dirty Old Prom Queen

In '98 I was the prom queen and in '06 I hang out with queens. I'm a private tutor during the day and a comedian at night in ol' NYC. I just can't seem to get out of high school...can someone call the custodian? Vesuvio, I'm locked in!

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Say Anything

Did any of you ever try to send in a fake "Say Anything" story to YM magazine? For those of you who don't know what "Say Anything" is, it is pre-pubescent girls' most embarrassing moments that they've sent in to the magazine so that other pre-pubescent girls can be like, "Oh my god! Could you even believe...could you just die...could you just kill yourself...could you just get murdered!!!"

My friends and I always tried to conjure up some ridiculous tale to send in to them, but never followed through with it. We did however badger the people at 1-800-TAMPON incessantly. Anyway, to write a perfect "Say Anything" story you really only need a few ingredients : a crush, your period, and a really cool party that your reputation depends on. The combination should result in something like this (for effect, please read with a lisp and maybe while chewing gum):

It was the day before Jimothy's co-ed Cinco de Mayo birthday party sleepover. I had to find a killer outfit -- one that would make Jimothy totally dump that stupid ho, Janessa, and make me his boo. So, my friend Jebecca and I went to the Limited, Too and found these dope corsets that made our boobs look as big as B's.
But, oh my God, while I was trying on my corset in the dressing room, I stepped on a tube of Bonne Belle lip gloss, fell through the dressing room door, and into the main store. At first, I was relieved that I wasn't hurt, but quickly I noticed that my left boobie had fallen out of the corset! And what was worse...my maxi pad had flown out of my capris and had hit Jimothy, who was shopping with Janessa, right in the face knocking him unconscious. I was mortified! Luckily though, Jimothy was out cold for the whole thing and when he came to, he said that he loved me and, guess what, bitches? We're still together! Tomorrow is our 25th wedding anniversary!

Not bad, right? But let's be real, clearly many of the "Say Anythings" are written by the YM 50-something, chain-smoking, childbearing secretaries. And why do I think that, you might ask? Well, because 15 year-old girls hardly have a sense of humor about their embarrassing stories. Granted, nooow, I can laugh about when I tooted during my 6th grade Presidential Physical Fitness test (during the "V-sit and reach"), but at the time, it was the only real heartbreak that I had ever known. The heartbreak of feeling like you might have just become the "gross girl" in the class. And a large percentage of the stories that are sent in from "real" girls are made up by a gaggle of giggly slumberparty-goers who are triznashed on candy and sodey-pop.

But what if, readers, what if real grown-up men and women had a "Say Anything" in a grown-up magazine where you can talk about sex, drugs, rock n' roll, and the always hilarious eating disorder embarrassing moment (Oh my god, I was totally purging this broccoli rabe, when Stephen walked in with a bouquet...which I ate, and then quickly purged. I was so embarrassed)? Actually, does a grown-up "Say Anything" thing like this exist? It seems like it might. Because, my friends, aren't R-rated embarrassing moments always funnier than PG ones?

How 'bout this one: Once, I was staying at a boy's house and I got out of bed to go to the bathroom. I looked at him and winked and said, "Be right back" in a cutesy voice, while putting on his robe. I walked out of his bedroom and, somehow, managed to fall down an entire flight of stairs, entangling myself in his oversized robe. Then, I limp-sprinted (running with a hurt leg) to the bathroom. He quickly threw open the door to ask if I was alright. With like bruises covering 40 percent of my body and teeth missing, I answered, "Yeah, totes. Why? Oh the noise! Right...nah, I just jumped. I'll be right up in a sec, handsome." Then, I winked again, but this time my eye fell out of the socket.

Okay, that's my story...if you have an embarrassing moment that you would like to share. Please post a comment.


  • At 4:12 PM, Blogger Toby said…

    So, like, one time, in college, I got really drunk with my friends and passed out in my bed. My friends kept partying, and at around 3 a.m., I apparently got out of bed, walked over to where my friends were drinking, sat in a chair, and pissed all over it. Then I pissed on my roommate's blanket and threw it at her. They were screaming at me the entire time - I don't remember any of it! The best part is when I woke up in the morning, took one look at the soaking-wet chair, and yelled, "Who the hell pissed on that chair!"

    P.S. I love your blog.

    -Toby, vividblurry.com

  • At 9:01 PM, Blogger east side girl said…

    I will share one of my boyfriend's (aka spiceboy) embarassing moments...also involving urine.

    It was Halloween several years ago. spiceboy (who is Chinese) dressed up as Superman, complete with cape, and got HAMMERED and passed out.

    Meanwhile...his roommate's aunt and young cousins (both under 8)were spending the night at the house, sleeping peacefully in the next bedroom.

    spiceboy got up in the middle of the night, walked into the next bedroom in his Superman costume, and peed all over the aunt and young cousins.

    This is incredibly embarassing to him...and incredibly funny to me. I am a cruel woman.

  • At 3:53 PM, Blogger Carolyn said…

    I peed my pants once. When I was 14. In my friend's kitchen. Her mom was totally cool about it. She said, "Don't worry - this happens all the time!"

    (English was her second language.)

  • At 2:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    once i waz waking wit my bro to go sleedding in the wooods really far from my house and i had to pee so i went a little in my pants like i somthings do to hold it in and it all came out!!!!! i was frezzing and my mom had to get in her car and find me but i got home b4 her and had to wait an hour br4 they gave ^and went home all the while the kids and my crush waked by my house i didnt were snow pants i wore jeans 2!!!!!

  • At 2:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    i 4got 2 say dis, i was 11 im 12 now peace out!!!!!

  • At 7:14 PM, Blogger SassDar said…

    I love the say anything post. I wish to God my mother hadn't thrown out my teen magazines. Thanks for the memories.


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