Say Anything

Did any of you ever try to send in a fake "Say Anything" story to YM magazine? For those of you who don't know what "Say Anything" is, it is pre-pubescent girls' most embarrassing moments that they've sent in to the magazine so that other pre-pubescent girls can be like, "Oh my god! Could you even believe...could you just die...could you just kill yourself...could you just get murdered!!!"

My friends and I always tried to conjure up some ridiculous tale to send in to them, but never followed through with it. We did however badger the people at 1-800-TAMPON incessantly. Anyway, to write a perfect "Say Anything" story you really only need a few ingredients : a crush, your period, and a really cool party that your reputation depends on. The combination should result in something like this (for effect, please read with a lisp and maybe while chewing gum):

It was the day before Jimothy's co-ed Cinco de Mayo birthday party sleepover. I had to find a killer outfit -- one that would make Jimothy totally dump that stupid ho, Janessa, and make me his boo. So, my friend Jebecca and I went to the Limited, Too and found these dope corsets that made our boobs look as big as B's.
But, oh my God, while I was trying on my corset in the dressing room, I stepped on a tube of Bonne Belle lip gloss, fell through the dressing room door, and into the main store. At first, I was relieved that I wasn't hurt, but quickly I noticed that my left boobie had fallen out of the corset! And what was worse...my maxi pad had flown out of my capris and had hit Jimothy, who was shopping with Janessa, right in the face knocking him unconscious. I was mortified! Luckily though, Jimothy was out cold for the whole thing and when he came to, he said that he loved me and, guess what, bitches? We're still together! Tomorrow is our 25th wedding anniversary!


Not bad, right? But let's be real, clearly many of the "Say Anythings" are written by the YM 50-something, chain-smoking, childbearing secretaries. And why do I think that, you might ask? Well, because 15 year-old girls hardly have a sense of humor about their embarrassing stories. Granted, nooow, I can laugh about when I tooted during my 6th grade Presidential Physical Fitness test (during the "V-sit and reach"), but at the time, it was the only real heartbreak that I had ever known. The heartbreak of feeling like you might have just become the "gross girl" in the class. And a large percentage of the stories that are sent in from "real" girls are made up by a gaggle of giggly slumberparty-goers who are triznashed on candy and sodey-pop.

But what if, readers, what if real grown-up men and women had a "Say Anything" in a grown-up magazine where you can talk about sex, drugs, rock n' roll, and the always hilarious eating disorder embarrassing moment (Oh my god, I was totally purging this broccoli rabe, when Stephen walked in with a bouquet...which I ate, and then quickly purged. I was so embarrassed)? Actually, does a grown-up "Say Anything" thing like this exist? It seems like it might. Because, my friends, aren't R-rated embarrassing moments always funnier than PG ones?

How 'bout this one: Once, I was staying at a boy's house and I got out of bed to go to the bathroom. I looked at him and winked and said, "Be right back" in a cutesy voice, while putting on his robe. I walked out of his bedroom and, somehow, managed to fall down an entire flight of stairs, entangling myself in his oversized robe. Then, I limp-sprinted (running with a hurt leg) to the bathroom. He quickly threw open the door to ask if I was alright. With like bruises covering 40 percent of my body and teeth missing, I answered, "Yeah, totes. Why? Oh the noise! Right...nah, I just jumped. I'll be right up in a sec, handsome." Then, I winked again, but this time my eye fell out of the socket.




Okay, that's my story...if you have an embarrassing moment that you would like to share. Please post a comment.