Dirty Old Prom Queen

In '98 I was the prom queen and in '06 I hang out with queens. I'm a private tutor during the day and a comedian at night in ol' NYC. I just can't seem to get out of high school...can someone call the custodian? Vesuvio, I'm locked in!

Friday, January 20, 2006

Gas Leak

So, you know when you make a farting noise, but you didn't actually toot, and you can never recreate the noise to prove to everyone that it was indeed not you who dropped a taint ripper? Today, that happened to me, but not with tooting, with an actual natural gas leak...like the kind that comes from your stove and the kind that you are pretty sure can end your life immediately if some leggy blonde walks in and lights a Virginia Slims.

Anywho, so all of a sudden, while diligently wasting worktime writing to all of my friends on IM, a coworker comes into my office to ask if he can pick me up anything from the outside world. Before I can answer, his face screws up and he says, "I smell a lot of gas back here." I, of course, am incredibly embarrassed.

And I say, "What? I didn't! I mean, I don't smell any..." and then I realized that my entire office is saturated in gas fumes and that my hands and feet are tingling and that my brain has a separate heartbeat from my own. Not to mention, I happened to be sitting in the lap of a magical six-eyed walrus named Arturo and the band Yellowcard was having rehearsal in the tiny pocket of my pocket tee. Soooooo stoned.

Of course, like the hero I am, I grabbed my bag and ran directly out of the office without stopping to make sure no one was left behind. And then I did what any rational human being would do with a gas leak, I called 911. Having never called 911 before, let me just say that the operators there, who are obviously trained to remain incredibly calm during highly stressful situations, have a demeanor smoother than Barry White.

Sure, if I were screaming about being trapped in a burning fire, then it would help to have someone act very calm on the other line; but when you have been huffing fumes for hours on end and you are really mellow/ borderline dead just sitting in the sunshine on a beautiful January day, then your convo with the 911 guy sounds a little like this:

911: 911 what's your emergency?

Lang: What? Oh...hi, how are you? Umm, so I think that there's a gas leeeeeeeeeak in my house?

911: Okay, well where is your house?

Lang: It's actually my office. Not my house. I live about a mile away.

911: Cool, I live close to my office, also. It's convenient. Soooo, where is your office?

Lang: Oh, a really nice area. Yeah, I mean, I was just working and then all of a sudden, we were all like, "Is that gas?" "Gas!" You know? And so I called you. Was that wrong? Should I have called someone else? Am I bothering you?

911: No, it's cool, I'm just gonna get the deets on your office and I'll send someone right over to check that place out. Is that alright?

Lang: I guess so. I mean, I've never done this before. I'm a little nervous.

911: Just relax and let daddy take care of you.

So, shortly thereafter, the police come and I'm just sitting outside waiting and making out with the neighbor's dog. He checks the office out and doesn't smell A THING. And then the arrogant bastard forces us to smell the stove, so that we can all learn what gas smells like. I was furious, because I was literally blind in one eye and eating a whole large meatlover's pizza. I didn't get so fucked up by making an excel spreadsheet. He left and told us that someone was probably just chopping up wood and that we smelled the saw. EXCUSE ME???? A saw? Chopping wood? NOBODY CHOPS WOOD IN BROOKLYN!! Except maple addicts looking for a syrup fix.

Finally, though, the firemen came. Those dreamy...MANLY men came marching into the office with their equipment...and OOOOH GURRRRRRRRRL, did they have some equipment!! And do you know what their equipment said? DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT SAID? It said, "Yes ma'am there's a gas leak!! That ol' policeman was wrong! You may be drooling all over yourself and you may have just called yourself on your own cell phone, but you did it BECAUSE THERE'S A LEAK!!!"

Justice was served. Now, I'm just wasted, waiting for my 11 yr-old student to come learn some math. Math might be art time today. Math might be fingerpainting, my friends.

P.S. though, my favorite joke since this happened is this on IM with my friends:

Lang: OMG. There is a gas leak in my office. The fumes are overwhelming.

Friend: Oh God! Leave! Are you okay?

Lang: I Think I'm

Lang: Gonna

Lang: Pass

Lang: ...

Lang: Out

Lang: pheohwertw;riyhe/tiyh/3o4th34pt;.p34ju

That was to simulate my face hitting the keyboard

Friend: LANG??

Lang: (silence)

Friend: LANG???

Lang: What? Who's there?


  • At 7:57 PM, Blogger Chox said…

    Now THAT'S a blog post if I've ever seen one.

  • At 3:29 PM, Blogger typingelbow said…

    a gas high: cheaper than a bottle of svedka and classier than huffing from the gas tank!

  • At 11:11 PM, Blogger FDF said…

    Swallow Allegra whole these tablets are specially formulated to release the medication slowly in th body


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