I Couldn't Tear Myself Away

The other night, I decided to stay in and have a night to myself in front of the telly. I ordered in some chinese food, got myself comfy, and started surfing my hundreds of Time Warner channels, pausing briefly on my favorites like Discovery Health and the Food Network. Discovery Health was broadcasting a show about face-eating tumors that I had already seen, while the Food Network was showing Emeril (love Emeril's food, not crazy about the show).

Hence, I moved on, my thumb bouncing lightly on the Channel Down button, until...it stopped. I had found it. The movie of my dreams - and the dreamweaver was Lifetime. The film, if I may be so bold, was your typical Lifetime movie: a story about a young high school girl, who is dating an ultra-popular yet ultra-abusive boy, yet she is so myopic about his popularity and "being in love" that she fails to notice that he beats her all the time and is an insane maniac.

Now, you may all be thinking, "what is wrong with Lang? Why would she enjoy this?" Well, folks, because the abusive boyfriend was Fred Savage and the abused girlfriend was Candace Cameron. Literally, Kevin Arnold was a-beatin' on DJ Tanner. The plot is as follows: takes virginity, tells her he loves her, becomes insanely jealous all the time, is abusive, still manages to be the best athlete on the WRESTLING team, and then, in the end, he kills her when she tries to break up with him, but all as the characters of Kevin Arnold and DJ Tanner (I'm lying).

SO, THIS GUY
+
THIS GIRL

=
SERIOUS VIOLENC...buuuuuut they're sooooo cute -- look at em! Awwww.


Equally as horrible as the subject matter of this movie are the mid-90s outfits. A lot of tapered jeans and oversized flannels. Gots to love that Lifetime though.