Noony Low

Today, I have hit a noony low. I'm feeling feminine and emotional and just plain douchey. I am drinking a Fuze Slenderize fruit drink, have been adding Steamy Romance movies to my Netflix queue, and am reading Memoirs of a Geisha and underlining important lines to remember in my own life...as a geisha. I also consequently put on culottes this morning, imbibed a few TrimSpa pills, called all my ex-boyfriends and hung up on them, slapped a woman with a baby and then clutched my own empty womb in tears, dipped my naked body in the office sink which I had filled with self-tanner, won't stop listening to Dido on repeat, gave all of my body hair an Ogilve perm, frenched the Xerox repairman, did the electric slide alone in my office with 39 cent stamps stuck to my cleavage, huffed a dryer sheet, did a freewrite about love, and tried cutting myself just to see how it works.


Tomorrow will be better. Now, it's time to wrap my birth control in bacon, so that I can choke it down.