Dirty Old Prom Queen

In '98 I was the prom queen and in '06 I hang out with queens. I'm a private tutor during the day and a comedian at night in ol' NYC. I just can't seem to get out of high school...can someone call the custodian? Vesuvio, I'm locked in!

Monday, May 01, 2006

Saturday, April 29th

8:30 AM: Wake up and consider in what appropriate attire I will teach.

8:31 AM: Fall back asleep.

9:10 AM: Wake back up, but this time with a start. Freak out because I need to be out the door ASAP so that I am not late for my class.

9:12 AM: Brush teeth, wash face, and put in contacs in one fluid, panicked, propeller motion.

9:15 AM: Appropriate teaching attire, due to my hurried state, becomes mini-skirt, Uggs, oversized sweater, fur vest, driving gloves, beret, side ponytail, fake beauty mark, cape, camouflage bracelet, and feather earrings.

9:18 AM: Get breakfast...or rather a diet coke.

9:20 AM: Small trip as I rush down the stairs to the subway platform. Nobody noticed.

10:00 AM: Class begins.

1:00 PM: Class ends.

1:20 PM: Eye brows get threaded by the nutty Indian woman on the corner, who talks to me about how turning 45 opens up so many possibilities for a woman.

1:22 PM: Hives break out across my forehead from the threading.

1:30 PM: Steal Apricot Scrub from gay boy roommate's superior product shelf in the bathroom to try to exfoliate hives away.

1:35 PM: Idiot!! Hives are much, much worse.

1:36 PM: Move bangs to cover hives.

2:10 PM: Friends come over to watch the last episode of the old school Pride and Prejudice mini-series with none other than the most amazing man alive: Colin Firth. I have a huge girl boner for him.

3:00 PM: Sigh, Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy have finally ended up together.

3:01 PM: Everyone looks at each other. What should we do now?

3:02 PM: We On Demand the new Pride and Prejudice.

3:30 PM: Delivery Indian Food arrives. Yum.

5:00 PM: Sigh, Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy have finally ended up together...again...but this time I think they kissed with tongue.

6:30 PM: Alumni reception for the Varsity Show (annual musical satire about Columbia life in which I performed while I was an undergraduate there) where the guest of honor was Art Garfunkel. Quick aside: Art Garfunkel is a celebrity whose photos were all shot before 1985. I have seen nothing since. So, to my chagrin the man who accepted the alumni award at this reception was not sporting the bright red afro of my dreams, but hardly any hair at all. He was very old. His son, however, might have had an even better red afro than that of Art's glory days.
8:00 PM: Varsity Show. Ahhh memories.

9:30 PM: Intermission??? Holy shit this is a long show. Adorable but so long.

9:34 PM: Still intermission. Was thirsty. And consequently. Michelle and I ended up...ummm..."stealing" is too harsh of a word...borrowing refreshments from...ummm...a uh...orphanage fundraiser that was going on in the same building as the show. Whoops. Hee hee.

9:40 PM: Second half starts.

11:15 PM: The show was 3 HOURS long. Now, off to the old college hangout for margaritas, comraderie, and, if I'm lucky, a roofie in my drink!!

DAWN: dreamtown.


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