Dirty Old Prom Queen

In '98 I was the prom queen and in '06 I hang out with queens. I'm a private tutor during the day and a comedian at night in ol' NYC. I just can't seem to get out of high school...can someone call the custodian? Vesuvio, I'm locked in!

Thursday, July 13, 2006

But mom! I don't want a summer job!

Today, I went to visit my lady doctor -- a lovely woman...who could probably wrestle, skin, and fry up a grizzly in 10 seconds flat. She's a little terrifying, but a good doctor. Anyway, I walk up to the reception desk to check in for my appointment and behind the receptionist is a young looking girl with an unfortunate pubey, dark stache. The girl is filing away patients' folders, has a very short haircut, and is obscurely wearing a Monster Truck t-shirt. A young lesbian intern. What fun.

It wasn't until this young girl turned around awkwardly, that I got a good look at her face. She was no girl at all -- she was a teenage boy. And by the looks of those door-handle eyebrows, he was the teenage son of my gynecologist. He was just helping out the nurses and receptionists. Obviously out of school for the summer.

Now, I want to ask this question calmly...in a tone no louder than a whisper...

"what mother gives her son a summer job at the gynecologists office -- especially when she is the gynecologist?"

The poor kid. After I got my lady parts all checked out and did a roundoff back handspring out of my stirrups, I came back out to the main office and checked out. I kid you not, this poor boy was huddled in a corner, just staring...only moments away from sucking his thumb. So traumatized.

You know, and all he was trying to do this summer was to try to fill in his stache. Maybe play a little "Tomb Raider" or drink some Hawaiian Coolers at the beach with his pock-marked buds.

Before this summer, this kid was psyched when a his face accidentally brushed a gigantic black woman's 48 EE at the supermarket. But now, he is surrounded by sooooo much vagina. You should have seen his face when a salesman from Johnson and Johnson came in to sell the doctor KY, Monistat, and other feminine products. He looked like a baby being forced to try mashed peas. His pubey stache almost met up with his door-handle eyebrows. Young man, I salute you and all that you stand for.

Also, DAY 4 on my FAST. Okay, so I am less hungry, but am also less strong. I feel like I am wasted. I have started to walk at a geriatric pace and this afternoon I had the runs. Everyone feel updated? 6 more days y'all!!!!


  • At 7:32 AM, Blogger Katy said…

    Does the lemonade make you fart? I could never make myself go to the gyno if I had the runs!

  • At 9:57 AM, Blogger Belle said…

    a fast AND the gyno?!? langy!

  • At 3:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    That's gynecologist, not gynocologist. Use spellcheck.

  • At 4:12 PM, Anonymous Justin said…

    Yes Lang. Yes.

  • At 4:15 PM, Anonymous Michael Haigh said…

    Lang, you were linked on Gawker. oh, i'm so proud.

  • At 4:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    My really good friend in college has parents that are married gynos. She used to deal birth control pills to the girls in her high school who were illicitly having sex. Can you imagine the dinner table family conversation?

  • At 4:54 PM, Anonymous assistant willems said…

    oh thank you, that is fucking hilarious.


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