Dirty Old Prom Queen

In '98 I was the prom queen and in '06 I hang out with queens. I'm a private tutor during the day and a comedian at night in ol' NYC. I just can't seem to get out of high school...can someone call the custodian? Vesuvio, I'm locked in!

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Too Cool for Nothin'

So, I am at my mom's house right now for Christmas break (although, I don't really go on Christmas break anymore, since I am an adult, so I guess it's just vacation time allotted by my company's human resources person) and I have been spending a lot of time with my youngest brother, who is 13. Not only is he 13, though, he is the trendiest, coolest, most attractive 13 year-old ever. Anywho, so I have been hanging out with my youngest brother and I can't help but try to act like the cool older sibling of every child's fantasy. Like the older sibling who takes her high school sibling to a college party and gives him just the right amount of beer but makes sure to keep him away from the harder stuff like angel dust and crank.

Has anyone seen my little brother? Oh, he's under the foam? Great. Thanks!

Unfortunately, though, our ages don't promote this kind of bond. 13 year-olds, aside from Little Girl Lost's Drew Barrymore, should not go to any parties especially the ones thrown by 25 year-olds. What would my 13 year-old brother do at a) a late night rager at some Brooklyn loft? or even more awkward, b) having relatively mild cocktail hour with the ladies at a downtown French bistro?

Clearly, I cannot prove my coolness through booze and partying. I also don't have the skater girl wardrobe or physique to assure these youthful rapscallions how vogue and with-it I am.

As a last resort, in conversation, I have just been throwing in dozens of perfunctory "awesome's." The answer to everything that a 13 yr-old could possibly ask.

Bro: "What do you think of my new skateboard? It's blahdiblah brand and its wheels are blahdiblah."

Me: Awesome

Bro: "Hey, have you ever seen the South Park where Butters goes to Raisins?"

Me: Awwwesome

Bro: "Lang, you've got a boog. You have a boog hangin' right outta ya nose. Really. You should get it. It's totally noticeable. Everyone can see. Look over there. That guy sees it. He's starin'. He's starin' hard. Just wipe your nose. Do you want me to hold the tissue for you?"

Me: Awesome.

And you might as well know that I also keep pointing out to these hooligans that I know how to drive...usually while manhandling the car keys.


  • At 12:39 PM, Blogger typingelbow said…

    I feel your pain. I have a 12-year-old brother in Arkansas, and I try to impress him with my ultimate coolness. When my stories of the big city start to bore him, I just pull out a present from Abercrombie (even though I actually bought it in Little Rock, since I couldn't get my shit together to go to the one on Fifth.)

    Love your blog!

  • At 2:11 PM, Blogger The Write Stuff said…

    I use the same tactic with my younger sib, Lang, and it's just as effective. The other day, my little sister, who is 54, said, "I discovered a great new cleaning product that doesn't streak stainless-steel appliances," and I said, "Awesome." She really thinks I'm cool.

  • At 4:46 PM, Blogger Lang said…

    You are cool, Write Stuff, and so are stainless steel appliances.


Post a Comment

<< Home