Dirty Old Prom Queen

In '98 I was the prom queen and in '06 I hang out with queens. I'm a private tutor during the day and a comedian at night in ol' NYC. I just can't seem to get out of high school...can someone call the custodian? Vesuvio, I'm locked in!

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Cute Tips

Today, I received an email from a reader who needed my help. I have changed her name to help conceal her identity, but otherwise this is the actual letter.

hi my name is nanette and im an exchange student . i go tpo a privat international school (there is nly exchange students there :( )
i wanna be the prom queen
if u culd pls help me and tell me how to get ready because my prom is on may and i don`t know anything
even the dress that im gonna get or anything
tell me how to do to be the prom queen
byeeeeeeeeee
help me plsss
nanette


My first thought was, "she clearly has not read this blog." But my second thought was, "well, I was the prom queen and I've survived this long. I know a thing or two, sure Nanette, I'll help you." And my third thought was, "the new Soprano season is so fly."

My response.

Dear Nanette, International school, huh? Well, bonjour and gracias my приятель (Russian for friend). Do not worry, anyone can be the prom queen if she really works hard for it and if she starts early. Here are some simple rules to follow to ensure that you'll be a great candidate for the most highly regarded position of power in your high school. A position that will forever validate your place in this world even on the loneliest, darkest, and coldest of nights.

Rule #1: Be confident. I mean, really love yourself...in a terrifyingly egotistical way. Make sure that when you walk down the halls of your high school, people...especially people with retainers, weight problems, and astigmatisms...cower behind lockers and trapper keepers alike.

Rule #2: Smile. There's nothing like a great smile to say the masses, "I'm really popular." Also, if you can lift one eyebrow and cackle slightly, particularly if someone less popular is being made fun of or if another girl has her mini skirt tucked into her underpants. In that case, smile and point...and hold your point for a little while too long.

Rule #3: Be friendly. But only to people who matter. One nice word to a member of the MathCounts team and you're doomed.

Rule #4: Love your body. But with tough love. Be like Dr. Phil to your body. Yell and admonish it for not living up to its potential and put it through unnecessarily tough exercises. Tell it that it won't get dinner until it shapes up.

Rule #5: Wear something that makes you feel special.
Like a water bra, fishnets, stilletos, corset, pasties, girdle, boustier, rhinestone tattoo, fake eyelashes with stye-inducing mascara, lube, a roofie necklace, whipped cream bikini, or an outside thong.

Rule #6: Choose a fun date. You know what's fun? Football. You know who has the most fun on the football team? The captain. Now, you might pay for it with your virginity. And there's a good chance that you'll have a teenage shotgun wedding quickly followed by the birth of your first son RayRay Jr. But guuuuurl, when you are sitting on the front stoop of your mobile home nursing little RayRay on your left teat and your precious premie Janessica on your right, while RayRay senior is boozed up having an affair with a 90 year-old parking attendant, and you're thinking "I was gonna be a doctor. I had the grades. I had THE GRADES!!" just remember that you were the most popular girl in high school. And even if that tiara of yours is acting as the antenna for your AM radio, it's yours...all yours.

4 Comments:

  • At 4:57 PM, Blogger typingelbow said…

    Nanette!! You toooo can be like Princess Lang! Oh, so funny.

     
  • At 4:17 PM, Blogger revpants said…

    I heartily de-condone your attitude toward the MathCounts team. Heartily. As a former MathCounts member, I'd like to remind us all: "Math counts--if you do."

     
  • At 8:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    yeah what the hell mathcounts people are so fucking better than you in every way.

     
  • At 8:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    also note that you posted this on pi day (3/14)

     

Post a Comment

<< Home