Dirty Old Prom Queen

In '98 I was the prom queen and in '06 I hang out with queens. I'm a private tutor during the day and a comedian at night in ol' NYC. I just can't seem to get out of high school...can someone call the custodian? Vesuvio, I'm locked in!

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Quitters Never Die

So, first off, I would like to apologize for thrice misspelling 'gynecologist' on my last post. Spelling is my worst subject...always has been. I will try to use spell check from now on. But sometimes, I just get so jazzed to post and I forget.

So I had to quit the fast. Please don't be disappointed. I'm no quitter...usually. It was just that I was so weak. I could barely get up the stairs or out of the subway and I could hardly hold a conversation. Every morning as I left my apartment, I acted like someone who had been in solitary confinement for a month and was seeing the sun for the first time. I kept waiting for this euphoric burst of energy that was supposed to be coming any day, but literally every day I just got weaker and weaker and it became harder and harder to suck down that lemon-cayenne gasoline. And so after 6 days of not eating, I began to wonder, "Am I really detoxing or am I just dying?"

And so I called my mom, who is a doctor, and asked her what she thought of my fast. She thought it was dubious. She wasn't too sure how all of these things were supposed to clean me out, not that she has anything against holistic medicine. According to her, cayenne pepper and any kind of pepper for that matter just go right through you. But she just recommends, if you want to flush out all the bad stuff, to just get a colonic and getting it over with in one fell swoop. I'll let you all know if I decide to do that. Seems a leeeeetle bit scary.


Okay, but even this talk with Dr. Mom didn't sell me totally. I weakly crawled onto my couch and breathed deeply and listened to the hollow sounds of my heart beating against my empty carcass of a body. I was sure that I was just expiring. I didn't want to give up, however, I only had 4 days to go. So, I decided for inspiration, to go weigh myself. Maybe having dropped a few unneeded toxin pounds would keep me focused. So, I step on the scale, and I kid you not...ladies and gentlemen, I would like you to meet the only person capable of gaining 2 pounds after living off of lemonade for 6 days. This is when I yelled, "Fuck this!" and went into my kitchen to smoke a ham.

So, the fast is over. I am a terrible detoxifier and anorexic.

5 Comments:

  • At 1:07 PM, Blogger heather said…

    Darlin', have you ever looked at the nutritional information on maple syrup? there's like sixty-five gazillion calories in it, trust me - i watch people douse their pancakes in four pounds of syrup on a daily basis, and it makes me want to barf.

    you know, just in case that makes you feel any better.

     
  • At 7:47 PM, Blogger Giulia said…

    Get one of those enzymatic cleansers at Whole Foods. you take herbs for two weeks and can eat on the cleanse, but it is recomended that you cut out red meat, dairy, sugar, and caffeine during the cleasne. it feels nice, realy nice.

     
  • At 10:32 PM, Blogger Rune said…

    GNC has a pretty good flush..it's like 14 dollars, and it's like 21 days....you pop a series of pills in stages, and by week two you're pooping out triplets....week 3 is dedicated to adding back the nutrients and good bacteria(the kind that's in your digestive tract to help with breaking down food. These are flushed out along with last years steak)

     
  • At 3:31 PM, Blogger typingelbow said…

    Thank god you came to your senses. Now, go try that new S'Mac restaurant and report back on your favorite three flavors.

     
  • At 11:20 PM, Blogger lambchop said…

    lady friend,...it was nice to read your story:
    so, I'm on day 4, as I type and I feel like someone yanked my spine out and then proceeded to gut me....i feel just absolutley lifeless....trying to stick with it. We'll see!

     

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