Dirty Old Prom Queen

In '98 I was the prom queen and in '06 I hang out with queens. I'm a private tutor during the day and a comedian at night in ol' NYC. I just can't seem to get out of high school...can someone call the custodian? Vesuvio, I'm locked in!

Thursday, December 29, 2005

A Little List

List One: ridiculous and inappropriate things that students from my senior math class have said to me (all completely true):

1) "Miss? Miss, you short." This was followed up by everyone getting up from their seats and lining up next to me to see if I was taller than anyone in the class. That's the thing about teaching fully grown high school seniors, I was only taller than two.

2) "Miss, are yours real? I know that a lot of white girls get 'em done." This is probably the best of many, many comments directed towards my chest. I have a chest but it is, by no means, conspicuous. I also answered that question with a simple "yes" and then continued on with trigonometry.

3) "Miss, I knoooow you smoke weed. Look at your eyes." Luckily, I avoided that question because I nonchalantly crashed into several desks and spilled my own soda.

4) "Miss, do you have a man? No? You mean that you go home and just sleep all alone...by yourself (to her friend) that is so sad. Miss, do you want us to hook you up with Mr. M?" I almost said yes to that because Mr. M was adorable. In fact, I used to call him Teacher Handsome in my head.

5)"Miss, would you like me to write on the board for you, since it is your day of national heritage?" A student's response to me saying, "Happy St. Patrick's Day!"

6) "Miss, you look good in that dress, because of your fat. I'm too skinny so I couldn't wear it." Contemplated teacher lounge bulemia after this one.

7) "Parabola? Like a pair a' balls!!"

8)"Miss, my bra just broke, can I go to the store and buy another?" I let her go because she was wearing a mesh shirt on top of it.

9)"Miss you know who you look like? John Mayer. He wears blazers just like you."

List Two: ridiculous and inappropriate things that I have said to my senior math class.

1) "Whoever gets the question right may say a pick-up line to anyone in the room." Everyone participated this day.

2) "I know it's hard not to come to my class high, but could you wait until later in the day at least?"

3) "But really, if you do become a hip hop star, can I be a back-up dancer in one of your videos? I swear that I will be just like the little white girl in the Missy Elliot videos."

4) "I'm literally going to vomit all over you right this second." My response to a boy saying that he wanted to start baby-making right away.

5) "I just think that Jay-Z's new album sounds too much like his last one." This bullshit statement garnered great respect from my whole class.


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